Regarding feeling blessed..

This was during the gap between when I quit my initial AARS job, got contracted do stuff in between, then got rehired for my second AARS job.

Anyway.. this is why those 2 1/2 years were and always will be special..
I can't say I walk into the office and feel anything close to this anymore. Not comparing. Life and work is good.  Just stating the real.

[START]

blessings for today
- had my first interview for a job in over a year and a half. didn't do as well as I hoped, but it's a start.

- coming into work, even though I quit already, didn't feel so weird. it still feels like home.

- seeing happy faces and being bumrushed with a hug from sunshine when I came in from a lunch hour I should not have taken.

- supac giving me the copy of a burned CD of soul that kdiggety's roommate made.

- seeing razelle's face when she opened the door to the warehouse and just smiled.

- doing a role play with thuyzy for the new peeps.

- hearing the boss say I can do some individual services if needed at the schools as I am training. =D

- hearing rho tell me about how t-money saw this dood on the train the other day writing poetry and thought of me.

- hearing my boy lo among others tell me it's nice having me back in the office (even for the little bit I'm there.)

- sasha the intern saying that she learned something from the role play. =)

....

AND after I realized I left Lynn out.. this is what I wrote:

though i love so many folks in that "office" - for some reason I think lucy/lyncee is my favorite person to see smiling or to make sure she is smiling, at least for that split second that I say anything to her (usually a sarcastic comment.)

so thank you, lynn. thank you for smiling.

Seal Coat:

1) 8:10AM - The Adventures of Kavalier and Klay: Rosa Saks Klay was wearing a Seal Coat. I thought to myself - "Oh, they made coats out of seal?"

2) 8:55AM - Monsterquest (TV): While researching a possible sea monster in Florida, one of the theories was that the animal caught on tape was a caribbean seal (extinct as of 2008 - unseen since 1990s). The scientist said that they were hunted for oil and SEAL Coats.

Pinewood Derby:

1) Sometime last week or earlier this week - South Park: Stan's dad steals electromagnets and hyper boosts Stan's pinewood derby car.

2) 8:59AM - Some commercial: A dad driving a minivan helped his son with the pinewood derby race. Is it Pinewood Derby race season, or something?

Thank You Emails:
I've been sending forwards/emails to my community contacts forever about our events, opportunities, and other opps that pass through me.

1) Tues Afternoon: One of my office-mates came into my office to ask me how I decide which emails to forward to our agency-wide email list. I told her that I couldn't articulate it.

Then...

2) Tues Night: Someone at my agency emails back just to thank me for the forwards and says that a young person she works with saw one of the flyers, signed up, and is now part of that program (employment-focused, I think).

3) Wed Night: Someone at another agency emails back just to thank me for keeping her in the loop and being enthusiastic about the work.

Nice to know that my forwards mean something and that I'm making good decisions about which forwards to send.

The Star Trek and subsequently Alias Number (due to JJ Abrams' thing for Star Trek.. which has led to his upcoming Star Trek thing).

NUMBER 47:

1) Yahoo! News: 47 year old teacher brings 4 students to a male strip club.
2) Yahoo! News: 47 year old is shot by her husband - in the forehead with bullet passing through the back - and lives to tell and serve tea.
3) SFGate News: Liberal dude goes to not-Liberal Liberty University for an anthropological and undercover study of the Christian students as a fair study - not to clown on them. 47 comments at the time.

All this in a a 15 minute span.

Dr. Pepper on Twitterverse:

1) Olivia Munn (@oliviamunn) tells me that diet Dr. Pepper cures headaches
2) Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) tells me that water is meant to be turned into Dr. Pepper

Thank you, Internets!

I went through the Yahoo inbox and did a cleansing. This is what I re-examined about the last 3 years (Feb 2006 through now) through my inbox. (The caveat is that I’ve obviously erased emails since then – I’ve erased numerous, but let’s only keep that in mind when I’m referring to percentages.. like...)

I’m pretty sure that 20% or so of the emails I just erased were from Facebook. Other regular spam that I obviously didn’t feel too inspired to erase were from Borders. Coupons for Borders Rewards! I can’t turn them down.

(The other caveat is that since August 2008, I’ve had my T-Mobile Dash and that means I’ve erased numerous emails directly from my phone. This should definitely skew some percentages. But then, the percentages really don’t matter. We’re looking at the big picture here.)

I also had numerous Amazon.com emails: mostly of the “Your Order” or “Your Order has shipped” variety.

There were a lot of good times captured in those emails. Softball games with the Barrelmen. Coordinating renting situations for Mon and Eric’s wedding in Hawaii. Poker games. Random jokes.

I also have access to some of the pics I took from my prior phone that I no longer have access to. Since my micro-SD drive never read my card, I basically lost all the data on that phone. Now, I have a bunch of them.

It also documents, pretty clearly, the change in social life in late summer 2008.

There were still numerous leftover emails from the 2008 NaNoWriMo. There were lots of order confirmations from various sporting events.

There were obviously other emails received that have been deleted along the way, but the ones that were left tell a pretty comprehensive story.

wack ass morning.. the FU awards go to...

.. CHEAP ASS wireless modems that FLIP OUT all the time
.. the TRUCKS on Industrial. the TRUCKS on 92. the TRUCKS on 101.
.. the dumbass that rolled his stop sign to make a right, right when I was making a left onto the same street
.. the dumbass that didn't slow down in the parking lot when she was turning right and I had the right of way
.. community partners that pass the buck
.. Lew WOLFF whose south bay orgasm (SCU, Earthquakes, South end of Fremont) makes it apparent that he never WANTED to be in Oakland in the first place when he bought the team
.. myself

hehehehe...


Never dreamed of living lavish,
Rather be smiley, like tavis,
Try hard not be rude,
so don't call me Rick, I'm not ravish,
never been a fat cat, but I am the one,
just like Heathcliff, got you dogs on the run,
the combustible huxtable
ruling your attention with rhymes so lovable,
you'll be like Big Pun,
eating up my words like they're crushable,
you don't wanna be a player no more,
that's cool, cuz I got a lot of show in store,
enter the doors, but wipe your feet before you enter,
and you can even bow down in a peaceful surrender,
I called out the number after the letter,
It's B14 now your battleship is going under,
her blouse man, it's over straight through,
cuz I'm Just Riden' like Saafir and the Hobo crew,
Actually, I'm writing, more correctly like grammar,
I'm your favorite email, you're just another damn spammer,
It's been.. a while since I tried to keystyle,
but in the meanwhile, nothing's changed by my profile,
and my whole style, going from baggy to lean,
I'm mean and I'm balding like Gene,
It's cool though, getting wiser is a gift,
so I rip, some new schemes so I could trip,
a rift in the continuum of space and time,
not to replay but to reinvigorate the rhyme.
Never go back, got my sights set for the presence,
of these words as my essence – my soul effervescent.

- the blizzlefosizzle

in a different life,
your words would flow next to mine
with the same scheme,
with a smooth rhyme,
your lyrics and decadence
proclaiming my relevance to their
existence.

in a different life
your eloquence would mix
with my broken syntax,
like needles on wax
and expose the allusions
of romances timed perfectly
in our compositions.

in a different life,
these hollowed out bullets
of letters and punctuation
wouldn't cause death but creation -
the manifestation
of two individually beautiful
fragments run-on
but given meaning by a semi-colon.

in a different life,
in a different atmosphere
where our paralleled bodies would interweave,
histories would matter less
than the volumes of stories bound in sheathes
like swords or sharp quills,
the thrills of the flirtation
of our energies
more addictive than the initial butterflies
or reality tv.

in a different life,
where you write too much,
and my hand gets fatigued,
where I speak in mixed metaphors
and indulgent discretion,
you are the footnotes of expert translation,
the solemn ear to my confession.
but in that different life,
there would be no sins for which to atone,
or reasons for unrequited feelings
to be left silent and alone.
in that different life,
the listed long complications screaming resolutely
would be laughed at and paid no mind
for their futility.

A different life isn't real,
but you are. and I am.
and the rhythms and literary expanses
and spoken diatribes of love, life, and general
dissatisfaction of anyone else -
are real.
but the more we confide and the more we delve,
the more we can't get over ourselves.

in this life,
we are just bad love poetry repeated
with images of different faces,
same verbs but different subjects -
and the same us
refusing to overcome the reasons
that we swim aimlessly in a sea of words
with no cohesion.

It's been a while since I've ran into some weird funky coincidences that I called energy.. got a bit of the past few days and a lot of it revolved around my rip parade. That all started, btw, with the desire of listening to the NWA reunion they lasted two songs. I had the second track, "Hello" from the Ice Cube greatest hits. The first, "Chin Check", I had somewhere on a cd. Luckily, I've stored most of the CDs I've made in two main places in my room. Once I jumped in and found the cds, that's when this whole when-john-reminisce-over-you (you as in songs) party started.

So, I already stated the funny Napster coincidence.

As I was loserishly driving aimlessly in Fremont last night, I drove by the regular thoroughfares that made any sense in my personal and sentimental history. Of course, the sentimentality of the drive wasn't much more than anything forced since I was listening to nostalgia-inducing music. My path, starting at Longs in Brookvale because I had to pick up my drugs (inhaler, kids), took me going South on Fremont Blvd. past American.. past Thornton Blvd.. past Fremont Hub all the way to Osgood.. resisted the Fry's urge.. then I continued West onto Auto Mall/Durham.. back to 101.. to Mowry.. past the former Target area.. finally back to the Hub so I could grab some salad supplies at Trader Joe's. Not sure what I remember from my driving except for just driving aimlessly, listening to cheesy ass slow jams from back in the day, and the funny juxtapositioning of the City Beach neon sign and the Christian Church next door that too had some neon lining some of the building's contours. Anyway, from the angle I was seeing the sign and the building, I swore I thought it was a older Vegas area Casino like Gold Coast. I thought it was funny since the building was actually a church. Hence, my fast track to the aych eeh double hockey sticks place that's all the rage.

Anyway, that wasn't the point.

I've been debating this week if I wanted to go back on my steadfast decision to forego any celebreaking of any sort for celebreakable social landmarks happening in the near future. Then while driving the fam on Tuesday my dad said something about people being happy in the Philippines and not all sumangot like we are here. I'm sure that was heavily directed towards me. And then today, I went to a meeting and watched a segment of series about health disparities and there was a significant portion of the documentary talking about social isolation in our culture and their adverse effects on our health.

And, I think it's not fun being as disconnected as I've been. So..

time to party.

High school List: Thursday, 12/04/08

1. Mary J. Blige - Real Love
2. LL - Hey Lover
3. Smif-N-Wessun - Wreckonize (Remix)
4. Dr. Dre - F.. Wit Dre Day
5. Stevie B - Spring Love
6. Shai - Come With Me
7. Luniz - Playa Hata
8. SWV - Weak
9. Xscape - Understanding
10. Color Me Badd - Forever Love
11. Shai - Yours
12. No Doubt - Just a Girl
13. Black Sheep - The Choice is Yours
14. Mic Geronimo - (sh)It's Real
15. Ahmad/Ras Kass/Saafir - Come Widdit
16. Fugees - Nappy Head
17. Selena - Dreaming of You
18. Babyface - Two Occassions
19. Terror Fabulous - Action
20. Organized Konfusion - Stress
21. Fugees - Ready or Not
22. Das Efx - They Want Efx
23. Ray Luv - Get Your Money On
24. PM Dawn - Set Adrift on Memory Bliss
25. Silk - Don't Rush
26. TLC - Baby, Baby, Baby
27. Tribe - Electric Relaxation
28. Mary J. and Smif-N-Wessun - I Love You remix
29. Hi-5 - I Like the Way
30. Tribe - Oh My God
31. Weezer - Buddy Holly
32. Heavy D - You Can't See What I Can See
33. After 7 - Til You Do Me Right
34. Weezer - Say it Ain't So
35. Tony Toni Tone - If I Had No Loot
36. Eazy-E - Real Muthaf***in' G'z (or real compton city g'z for the radio inclined)
37. Pharcyde - Pandemonium
38. Boyz II Men - On Bended Knee
39. New Edition - Lost in Love
40. Bobby Brown - Good Enough
41. Luther and Janet - The Best Things in Life are Free
42. Lea Salonga - We Could Be In Love
43. Snoop - Lodi Dodi
44. Silk - Freak Me
45. Jon B. - Pretty Girl
46. The B.U.M.S. - Elevation (Free My Mind)
47. Boyz II Men - Yesterday
48. Black Moon - Who Got the Props?
49. Jodeci - Feenin'
50. Busta Rhymes - Woo Hah
51. Tribe - Scenario remix
52. LL - Around the Way Girl
53. ADOR - Let it All Hang Out
54. Xscape - Just Kickin' It
55. R. Kelly - Bump n Grind
56. Terry Ellis - Wherever You Are
57. Arrested Development - Tennessee
58. 2pac - Keep Ya Head Up
59. Tony Thompson - I Want a Love Like That
60. The Roots - Proceed
61. Ralph T - Do What I Gotta Do
62. Puff Johnson - Forevermore
63. New Edition - Boys To Men
64. Souls of Mischief - 93 til Infinity
65. Ben E. Kind - Stand By Me (remember graduation? =P)
66. Blackstreet - Joy
67. Boyz II Men - Motownphilly (Sudden Impact, bia)
68. Tevin Campbell - Can We Talk?
69. Shai - Together Forever
70. Groove Theory - Tell Me
71. Bone - The Crossroads
72. New Edition - Is This The End?
73. Naughty By Nature - Uptown Anthem
74. Pete Rock and CL Smooth - They Reminisce Over You
75. The Gravediggaz - 1-800 Suicide
76. Janet Jackson - Again
77. Fugees - Vocab remix
78. PM Dawn - I'd Die Without You
79. Monia - Before You Walk Out of My Life
80. Wu-Tang - Da Mystery of Chessboxin
81. Naughty By Nature - Everything's Gonna Be Alright
82. The Dove Shack - Summertime in LBC
83. Hi-C - I'm Not Your Puppet
84. KRS-One - Hiphop vs Rap
85. Digital Underground - Freaks of the Industry
86. Fugess - Killing Me Softly
87. Jeru - Come Clean
88. Mad Lion - Take it Easy
89. Mint Condition - Breaking My Heart
90. Surface - Never Gonna Let You Down

and with that... I'm taking my ass home! My legs, torso, arms, and head also.

I got 10 Free Downloads from Napster yesterday in the box of my bestbuy.com merchandise. So, I spent most of it on high school reminiscence. Here are the 10 tracks a I DL'ed.. Thanks to Becca and Rob for the help with figuring out how best to use my DLs...
(BTW, I thought it was interesting that I was ripping OG Napster era mp3s last week and for the first time since then, I had a napster program on one of my computers. That's napster ERA.. not napster found. Geez. Funny.)

Followed after by the first good run through of the hs playlist..

Napster DLs:
1. Roger and Zapp - Mega Medley (Used to jam to this all the time. I think Mon or Estee gave the Roger and Zapp greatest hits TAPE to me for my bday or xmas).
2. Roger - I Want to be Your Man (same story. But this one spoke directly to my.. "i just want someone to like me, damnit" silliness)
3. Xscape - Understanding (I just like it)
4. Xscape - Just Kickin' It Remix (reminds me of my Logan homegirls)
5. Dru Hill - In My Bed So So Def Remix (KSFM and Davis house party favorite!)
6. Janet - You Want This (We danced to this during Spirit Week - another Cheryl and Garrick choreography-joint)
7. Luther and Janet - Best Things in Life are Free (just been wanting this forever.. Was this on the Mo' Money soundtrack? Was this the video with them jumping on a velcro wall?)
8. The Dove Shack - Summertime in the LBC (dude. Any bbq is incomplete without this!)
9. Ol' Dirty Bastard - Got My Money (okay, I had this already but the file was jacked)
10. KRS-One - Hiphop vs Rap (I had taped this off of a KMEL mix back in the day and rapped along to it with Estee but never found it on mp3. Eventually it left my brain's radar. This was a B-side to the Sound of the Police single. Anyway, it was available on KRS' D.i.g.i.t.a.l. CD that basically collected a bunch of b-sides and other non-album material.)

Oh, and I bought some other ones also..
Pharaohe Monch - Simon Says (some say this song my be sexissist because I ask the girls to rub on they breasissits).. I love it.
Shirley Murdoch - As We Lay (one of the two BEST songs to ever make cheating sound beautiful)
Groove Theory - Tell Me
Zhane - Hey Mr. DJ
Cartman - Kyle's Mom is a B.. (I couldn't find It's Easy MMMKay from the movie.. but somehow found Uncle "effer")

Some others that were potential picks:
Adina Howard - Freak Like Me
R. Kelly - Slow Dance (see "I Wanna Be Your Man" and instead of "like me" insert "slow dance with me")
R. Kelly - Honey Love ("Let's go to the mall, baby" line was Mon's favorite cuz of her former first love of shopping.. haha)
Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz - Deja Vu (actually, would've got this if they allowed me to buy the one song individually)
Zapp - Computer Love

Just one last thing on Napster. Their software does what other DL clients do - link other artists that are similar or tangential to the one you're looking at currently. But, they have 20 NAMES for each artist. Amazon MP3 shows 6 CD covers.. itunes shows some playlists and a few song titles, but Napster showed 20 names! So, when seeing Dru Hill, I saw Tatyana Ali. No Day Dreamin' remix with Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz, though. With Zhane and Groove Theory and Dru Hill I saw names like...

702
Blaque
Changing Faces
Sunshine Anderson
Ruff Endz

Hella lost names from back in the day.

Okay, High School Playlist time (listed as they come through the playlist shuffling)...

1. Roger and Zapp - Mega Medley
2. No Doubt - Spiderwebs
3. Onyx - Slam
4. Busta Rhymes - Woo Hah
5. Jeru - Come Clean
6. Boyz II Men - On Bended Knee
7. New Edition - If it Isn't Love
8. JT the Bigga Figga w/ Mac Mall - Game Recognize Game
9. Xscape - Understanding
10. Cover Girls - Promise Me
11. Bone - Thuggish Ruggish
12. No Doubt - Just a Girl
13. Janet - That's the Way Love Goes
14. TLC - What About Your Friends? [=( RIP Left Eye]
15. Black Moon - I Got Cha Opin (remix)
16. Boyz II Men - It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday
17. Wu-Tang - Protect Ya Neck
18. Questionmark Aslyum - Hey Lookaway
19. Bone - The Crossroads
20. New Edition - Lost in Love
21. Hi-5 - I Like the Way
22. Shai - During the Storm
23. ATCQ - Electric Relaxation
24. Pharcyde - Y?
25. Roger - I Want to Be Your Man
26. Pharcyde - Pandemonium
27. Blackstreet - Booti Call
28. Born Jamericans - Send You My Love
29. Blackstreet - Joy
30. Blackstreet - Love's in Need
31. Pebbles - Why Do I Believe
32. Tony Thompson - I Want a Love Like That (RIP, Tony)
33. Babyface - Two Occassions (Live)

and... off to a meeting!

Here's my late-90's playlist shuffle.. (after I ripped some of my old CDs and transplanted them onto my ipod yesterday morning.. 4:30am to 10:30am)
Basically.. this is stuff that should've been in heavy rotation back in the Davis days.. minus most of the hip hop I listented to back then.. I sure did listen to a lot of slow jams back then. haha.

1. One Vision - By Your Side
2. Jon B - Pretty Girl
3. Mariah Carey and Bone - Breakdown
4. UNV - So in Love
5. Monica - Why I Love You So Much
6. Blackstreet - Before I Let You Go
7. R. Kelly - Bump and Grind Remix
8. Next - Butta Love Remix
9. Wyclef - Gone Til November
10. Boyz II Men - A Song for Mama
11. Janet Jackson w/ Blackstreet - I Get So Lonely Remix
12. Dru Hill - What Do I Do with the Love
13. Total - Kissin You Remix
14. Mac Mall - Wide Open
15. DMX - Ruff Ryders Anthem
16. Lauryn Hill - Lost Ones
17. Wu-Tang - Triumph
18. Dru Hill - These are the Times
19. Busta Rhymes - Fire It Up
20. Sublime - Santeria (kinda cheating.. i didn't really listen to Sublime much back then)
21. Koffee Brown - After the Party (okay.. this wasn't late 90s)
22. Ol' Dirty Bastard ft. Kelis - Got Your Money
23. Xzibit ft. Ras Kass and Saafir - 3 Card Molly
24. Nas w/ Puffy - Hate Me Now
25. Portrait - How Deep is Your Love
26. Brian McKnight - Back at One
27. Pinay - Share My World
28. Monica - Before You Walk Out of My Life
29. Monica w/ 112 - Right Here Waiting
30. Montell Jordan - Get it on Tonite
31. Something for the People - M Love is the Shhh!
32. Sublime - What I Got
33. Lauryn Hill - That Thing
34. Mos Def - Ms. Fat Booty
35. 98 Degrees - The Hardest Thing (umm.. that's probably the biggest drop off in coolness, ever, in a music shuffle. haha)
36. New Edition - Still in Love With You
37. Kai - Count on My Love
38. Lauryn Hill - Everything is Everything
39. Xzibit - Paparazzi
40. K-Ci and Jojo - All My Life
41. Foxy Brown ft. Blackstreet - Get Me Home
42. Az Yet - Last Night

What's cool is that I have one DISTINCT memory, if not hella, for most of the songs... a specific place, specific people, specific conversations (sorta)...

Ahhh.. good times.
Okay. Gotta run to a meeting.. time to end the playlist and throw on my professional stuff like Eazy-E and Kurupt.

The strange coincidences started to fade away.. that.. or I haven't been paying as much attention lately. Work's been getting busier and with the Election and Nanowrimo converging at the same time, life's been more of an afterthought.

Maybe October was just - self-indulgence month. Food, beer, psuedo-drama, hopeful things, and whatnot. That meant understanding myself and the world around me were priorities number one and one-a. With the other parts of life becoming the forefront, all of the esoteric hippie shit gets pushed in the back-burner. (Not completely though.)

So, lately, I've been thinking of the idea of "peacocking" a bit more. As you know, the peacocks have the beautiful feather patterns and they expose them as a mating ritual. (Or so I assume). So, peacocking means "getting your game on" or "showin' out". It means.. digging out of this desired hole of anonymity that I've somehow grown into. It means.. stop feeling wrong for trying to self-advocate. It means.. being out there in the world showing folks that I'm worth knowing and that it's your loss if you don't know me. Of course.. not in a cocky, a-holeish way.

I joked on FB on Friday that I would be peacocking in the city while I would be watching Cal play (aka get their ass handed to them by) USC. (They fought valiantly, actually - but just overmatched). So, it was just another same old-same old at Yancy's. Nothing wrong with that. Football, beer, friends, scrabble, cards, silliness, and all that.

Hung out at C-mo's former crib with former roomie.

Watched a few episodes for The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Saw that the school, the phony University of LA, had a mascot of PEACOCKS. I'm sure it had to do with the show being on NBC, but I thought it was funny. I didn't intend to be out that late. I never thought I'd EVER EVER EVER be in that house again. I MEAN.. EVER! And, there I was.. 2am in the morning seeing a random "peacock" reference after supposedly "peacocking" earlier in the night.

Neither had much weight though since there wasn't much to peacock for, but I thought it was funny.

So, maybe the great energy came in the expected (and LONG) path of changes our world will be undergoing.. and how much this feeling is different from 4 years ago.. wasn't what that energy was alluding to. The good energy moves on.. even in spurts.. but it goes on. Just not sure what all that means.

As usual.

It's weird what our decisions lead us to.. in timing and subsequent things that unravel. More crazy energy.

On Saturday, I went to Razelle's place to celebrate Nathan's 4th birthday. I bought him a reversible hoodie from Old Navy. I didn't get a gift receipt. I made a mental note that I'd tell Razelle that I had the receipt if she wanted to exchange it.

Fast forward to today. Randomly, I found out that Fable 2 was released and that it came with a $15 itunes gift card at Circuit City. Stayed a bit later at work. While driving home decided to pass by Circuit City though didn't officially make the choice until I got off the freeway. Went to Circuit City.. as usual, they didn't have any stock. Roamed around for a few more minutes. Then left.

Went across the street to Target because I needed shaving gel.

So as I was walking to the entrance, there was a dude outside and mumbled as i walked by if I listened to rap. I think he was trying to sell his cd. But it was dark. And hollering it like that wasn't very comforting.

I went straight to the shaving gel and picked up a canister. Went to the video games and checked out some stuff. Roamed around a bit in the dvds. Decided I wanted to stock up on deodorant. Got some. Then, as I was walking towards the registers, I saw some polos on sale. Checked them out. Flipped around to the other side and then I found a transformers t-shirt on sale for $7! (Optimus, Hot Rod, Bumblebee and Jazz. The originals.) Lolly gagged a bit. Walked around the the fitness clothing looking for new pants for nighttime athletics. Then, I was done. At some point, I reminded myself that I had to tell Razelle that I had a receipt.

Had the choice of 4 or 5 different registers. Chose one. Paid. Left. I decided to go straight out the exit and go a meandering way to my car to avoid the dude selling CDs and as I was on my way, I looked up and saw a familiar silhouette (it was the walk). I ran into Razelle and Nathan! Now, it's not such a big deal I guess since I run into people at times at Target, but I was just thinking of them and I also spent much much more time there than I expected to. It's not like the few other times that I saw people right when I entered.

Anyway, the funniest part was that Nathan showed off his shirt to me.. a Transformers t-shirt! So, I showed him what I just bought. By chance, I saw that Transformers shirt.. on sale.. and there were NO other Transformer shirts when I saw it.

So. The crazy weird vibe continues.

Goodness coming. I know it.

Preface: A Quote from The Alchemist: "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

Part 1: Thursday Evening Work

I was in my office barely after 5pm lollygagging. I was planning to leave at least 5-10 minutes earlier, but for some reason I was just lounging around as I sometimes do. One of our youth strolls in looking for a training my coworker was leading at a different office. Good thing I was there so I could drop him off.

At the training, I stayed for a few minutes longer than I had expected just to talk and to eat some pizza. I was craving pizza the day before and earlier in the day. I also provided paper towels and plastic utensils from my car that I hadn't removed in months. I always intended to bring them into the office.

I was outside of the room when a lady came in looking for a graduation ceremony for a mentoring program run by the County. I knew two of the people in the room should've known something about it, but I couldn't interrupt them. I tried to help the lady as much as I could - which wasn't much. She was still gracious and left. Eventually, during an activity, I found out where the graduation probably was being held.

As I was leaving, I saw the lady still walking around outside and grabbed her attention. I told her the bank building she was looking for was across the street (there were 3 bank buildings at a major intersection). She was very gracious.

SO.. it all works out. Me not leaving earlier.. our YC being dropped off at the wrong place.. me bringing him to the training.. us needing plastic utensils and more napkins.. lady getting lost.. me staying and leaving at the right time to see her walking around and giving her directions on where to go. It all works out.

Part 2: Counselor Breakfast

I went to a High School Counselor breakfast this morning at Skyline College moreso as a sign of good will for the future collaborations I was hoping to engage the outreach team in. I arrived a bit late after sleeping through BOTH of my alarms. Arriving late allowed me to scan the room and see the people I somehow knew. It also allowed me to meet others who I've emailed in the past.

Anyhow, the breakfast was great. It was so inspiring to see what innovative outreach and retention strategies they were employing through hip hop, ethnic studies, and concurrent enrollment with high schools around the area. It brought me back to what I was writing yesterday about learning.. how a major piece of my heart and soul thrives in the identity of an educator. Even sending out texts and posts and IMs about Dictionary.com got my brain stirring. I thought, yesterday, that maybe I still do have the fire to be a teacher... someday.

So, as I was driving to the office, I decided to get some Hawaiian Drive-Inn. After getting my order, I set out onto El Camino Real to get onto 380 and some pop song by Robyn from the 90s was on the XM channel "The 90's". I didn't pay it much attention, but it somehow got my mind meandering to Vitamin C who sang some graduation song. I never listened to it much, but I thought it would be funny to post the video on FB.

On 101 South, Jason Mraz' "I'm Yours" came on again. Then, I noticed a car drive past me with a personalized license plate essentially reading: "Vitamin C". It was spelled differently. I forgot the exact lettering, but it did read "Vitamin C".

****

I feel like something's happening. Something good. Not sure. But I did appreciate some of the Mraz song's lyrics (because I really didn't listen to them much except for the hook) - basically saying that time's short and why keep putting off what you've wanted any longer. Yes, it was much more sappy, rhymed, and about love.. but I'm hearing it for the big picture.

Even when Lisa pointed out earlier this week on her status that she felt something big was coming.. I was thinking of posting a similar status earlier in the day.

Something big's coming.
Something good's coming.

One of the larger Youth Development influences here in the Bay Area is the John W. Gardner Center based in Stanford University. I work in Youth Development. It's more than what the "name" may say. If you ever wanted to know.. let's go get coffee. But, I just wanted to share quote..

"“The ultimate goal of the educational system is to shift to the individual the burden of pursing his own education. This will not be a widely shared pursuit until we get over our odd conviction that education is what goes on in school buildings and nowhere else.”"

I love y'all teachers.. and you, my dear friends, know that what you do in the classroom reaches full potential when the students have supplementary education outside of the classroom.. the school yard.. even the world of "academics".

A love of math can come from a love of sports.. and stats.. and fantasy football.
A love of reading can come from sports.. again.. through the sports page and the various websites.
A love of science can come from watching a documentary on surfing or skateboarding.
A love of history can come from talking about the music industry and hip hop.

Anyway. This is a wonderful quote that helps to explain another one of my tattoos. There's a piece that says "philosopher" - obviously because of my pensiveness, enjoyment in reflection, but it's also about the idea of a LOVE for LEARNING. When I was getting it, I was weighing Philosopher versus Creator. I chose philosopher because of the value of a personal love of learning. I got it from my parents. I got it from my mom rarely giving me an answer straight up and instead sending me to a dictionary to find the meanings of the words I asked her for. I got it from my dad because of his inquisitiveness. If we learn to stop asking questions, then we learn to stop learning.

Yet, learning only begins with asking and finding answers. Learning continues with action. And that is why I surrounded the "philosopher" characters with a horse and the character for "destiny". Horses represent movement and action since before cars they were obviously used as transportation and social and communal evolution. What I wanted the combined pieces to say was that my life will only reach its full potential if I, not only keep thinking, analyzing, deciding, and learning, but also take action on the things that matter. That is how I should reach my destiny.

But. But.. as John W. Gardner also stated..

“One of the reasons mature people stop learning is that they become less and less willing to risk failure.”

I get complacent. Comfortable. Cynical. Shut off. Fearful. A cog of the system versus a catalyst for the system.

I always was energized by the ideal of "no day, but today". But there's a major disparity between living for the now and getting caught up in it.

Sometimes it takes a while to process the challenges of our daily lives, transitions in life, loss of connection, and idleness, among many other things, but I'm thankful for them. Once the processing is done, the movement happens.

And, for all the various reasons for me to spur movement, I will.

PART 1: Peace by Piece
Oct. 11th was locked down a few weeks ago as a meaningful day. I didn't realize the whole weekend would've added to the whole aura.

Woah. Peace by piece. I didn't initially see a title or a post reflecting on that concept, but it totally makes sense. It does.

For a while, I've had that concept of "peace by piece" in my mind as the governing theme of the next tattoo I would get. I've played around with various ideas - never settling on any soso forced imagery that I wouldn't have been happy with. In August, the desire to get one kicked back in and I researched more on symbols of peace. And I found some interesting ideas.. finally deciding on a the Barn Owl.

Why the Barn Owl? Well, the first part came with this article about how for two farming towns in Israel and Jordan the barn owl is a symbol of peace. So, as I researched more on how the barn owl looked and other info on it, I found that it was a very common bird that lived in all continents except for Antarctica. It was a solitary animal that often built homes in established buildings/spaces. Then, the owl in general, has various interpretations across cultures from being mysterious and "deathful" because of its nocturnal nature to being wise and observant. Plus, as the article on the farms evidences, the owl is a crucial part of the ecosystem.

So, in essence, the barn owl is a symbol of peace but is also a piece of numerous natural systems.

The clinchers, obviously coincidental but cool nonetheless, were...

1) as I was biking with Nico back home from Coyote Hills I swear I saw a barn owl fly right in front of us maybe 65-80 yards away. Maybe it wasn't a barn owl. But I swear it was an owl.. light brown.. flat face. I had never seen an owl fly in front of me before and I've biked to that area many times in my life (albeit most when I was a kid). I checked online to see if barn owls were native to Coyote Hills and though rare they do inhabit this area. The other, more common, owl looked nothing like the one that flew in front of us.

2) the next morning, when Nico was in San Diego in a cab going to an interview, the radio talk show was talking about barn owls. He told me about it because of the conversation from the day before.

and...

3) something else that leaned towards it.. but I don't remember.

So, as I researched artists online, I found one that seemed cool. Eventually consulted with her and set the date.. for Oct. 11. As we talked yesterday, she also informed me that she's been looking for a taxidermied owl. So, it seemed to all make sense.

And, the end product, what's living on my arm now, is damn beautiful. I'll show it when it has settled in.

Now.. WHY Peace by Piece? That concept, obviously not coined originally by me, still means something to me. My first domain named "blog" supergaling.com was themed: Peace by Piece. World peace, inner peace, any kind of peace. Piece as in poetry, comments, observations, photos, creation. Piece as in a layout gimmick called an "online quilt" of my thoughts and snapshots into my soul. Peace by piece. I wanted it on my arm, also, because my hands are what I use to physically create as a writer, typer, drawer, photoshopper, publisher, sports player, etc. Peace. By. Piece.

PART 2: the weekend
Before the weekend came a emotionally draining week of moping, weakness, and silly self perpetuated angst.

Friday night, dedicated to a night of hanging out with high school friends, was also the target for some angst-driven drowning. As Mon and I went there, lots of memories were spurred by the neighborhoods and streets we drove to. Since San Jose has many landmarks of my life in them (post college and pre-current life) I was remembering a lot. First street exit on 880. Downtown San Jose. San Pedro. Santa Clara. San Salvador. South First Billiards.

We gabbed about the updates on our lives, differing opinions on "kids these days", and set up a group birthday party for everyone's birthday near or way past gone targeted for December in Vegas. Thanks, Estee, for letting us invite ourselves to party.

Then, as I was slightly enhanced, I talked about, among other things, one of my favorite people, Katie.

Saturday morning was a strange and long familiar feeling of dread, apprehension, dehydration, exhaustion, and relief (that I was more fatigued than anything else). I got ready to go, jumped on Bart, grabbed some cash, had brunch with Claudia, and headed up to the tattoo shop. Oh, driving to Bart included hearing Jason Mraz' "I'm Yours" - and that always reminds me now of Katie because of a cool story she shared with me about a friend of hers who was proposed to with that song as the preface. Oh, and on my way to the city on Bart, I finally listened to Nas' latest album. As usual, it was full of words to make you think (and unfortunately some songs that were cool in concept by corny in execution... I'd like to start a college and make Nas our first professor, though).

During the process, the artist and I had some cool discussions about politics, San Francisco, art, humanity, and other stuff. She finished with everything by 2:45. Earlier in the week, I talked to various people about meeting up in the city. The earliest any of my good friends could meet up was 5. Any other prospects were busy or in other parts of the city (I was in the Mission). I decided to take a walk on 16th from Valencia towards Guerrero. Once I got to Guerrero, I crossed 16th, and walked back to Valencia on the opposite side of the street. As I got closer, I saw a face that looked like Katie's. As I took more steps, I realized it WAS Katie with her friend and her super cool dogs.

So, from that point til around 5:15, I hung out with Katie and company as we sat down for some light food, got up and walked to Dolores Park, I dog sat for 5 minutes and was sufficiently UNprepared, drank out of a paper bag, and chilled as I looked out at parts of the clear skyscape of downtown San Francisco.

The funny coincidence is that Katie and I had talked through some texts about her possibly coming with me when I got my tattoo. Obviously, it didn't happen, but we serendipitously ended up hanging out that day anyway.

At 5:20, I got up to go meet up with Anne - my former supervisor, still current mentor and friend - at Blondie's for a quick "thirst quencher". It was really great to be able to sit down and talk with her especially since last year at work, my first without her guiding and inspiring me, our conversations were buried in work drama and me still, unintentionally, asking her for support. This conversation though was just about life, faith, hope, peace, Jesus the badass, and how all that stuff is converging upon her as she and her partner are planning their wedding. She really is a great person and I'm extremely lucky to have been of thought well enough by her (and the youth who interviewed me.. and Marb and Maria) for her to hire me and really develop my professionally for the two very big transition years after grad school. As she talked about lots of crazy beautiful and crazy crazy things experienced by her recently, she discussed how the aura of this time of the season was making her sixth senses jump - basically about how coincidences were making connections with each other.

After our beverages, we had to part ways and move on to whatever else. I jumped on Bart (after getting to the deck right in time for the direct line to Fremont to arrive) and went home. I passed the Oakland Coliseum in time to watch the Warrior game, but I decided to not watch it and instead JUST go home. I already had plans to go to Sacramento on Sunday morning.. early.

While on Bart, Art and I exchanged texts and decided that I'd come up to meet them for the regular... conversations on the patio, 49er football on Sunday afternoon, and lots of Madden.

When I got to Sacramento, not only were Art, Melinda, and Hum there, but Alex and Barb were there also. I haven't hung out with them for a long, long, long time. They talked shop (aka parenting) and again there were lots of fun moments in the conversation that varied in subjects and varied in place and time - like in college, to childhood shenanigans, to life now as adults. Again, this was just like old times when the guys all lived together at Adams.. and then when Art lived with Alex and Barb in Sacramento and Hum and I would drive up from the Bay.

Saturday fused into Sunday while were still gabbing away. Once Alex and Barb left, Melinda went to sleep, and the rest of us extended our discussion to the patio (in the freakin' coldness and mostly talking about the ills of the niners and some possible solutions) then moved inside to play some Madden until we all were way past ready to sleep.

Once we all woke up for Sunday, it was more of the same. Madden. Niners loss. good times. And we ate Dos for lunch.

PART 3: when it all makes sense
Then I drove home to take the whole weekend in while I flipping through 14+ channels on XM to capture a good song, a good mood, a good groove, and whatever. One of the last songs to play: Jason Mraz, "I'm Yours". Last song to play: Survivor, "The Search is Over".

I thought of how cool the whole weekend was - how serendipitous lots of things were from the high levels of Katie-centric things happening (especially with the Jason Mraz starter and capper).

I thought of how major moments of my life were all represented this weekend: high school, Davis, AARS, and my life right now at yfeezey.

I thought of how much I've changed, evolved, progressed, digressed, and just constantly kept adding more to my existence through each step of the way.

I thought of why I consistently disqualify myself from the idea that I could in fact be the apple of someone wonderful woman's eye.

I thought of why I was in such a funk last week (and basically for the past few weeks or months).. but particularly last week because of the same old BS about unrequited romantic opportunities - of the various ways of rejection I experienced... or at least perceived to be rejected.

I thought of how I may have wrongly assessed the rejections.. if they were rejections at all.

I thought of why they mattered in the first place and why I let things like that get into my head instead of constantly eating up and thriving off of the good times like what this weekend provided.

I thought what it was that made this weekend so special - the conversations, the world conspiring to bring long distanced friends into my physical sphere, the meaningful talks, the hope through change, the laughs, the smiles, the real - deeper leveled connection.

I thought of how this was the 10 year anniversary of the Best Summer Ever and this summer was probably one of my most isolated physically and more importantly emotionally and soulfully from most of my friends.

I thought of how the void was real and how deeply affected I was by it.

I thought of "The Search is Over" and how, when taking out the cheesy romantic part, the song really spoke to why I've been who I've been for such a long time: the pickiness and sometimes pettiness, the singlehood, the lone wolfing, the self-sabotaging. Since I've been so rich with friendship, investing time in other (new) people (yes, in that way) seemed unnecessary.

I thought of all this and knew I had to write about it. So, when I started to type..

I thought of how my quest for a beautiful tattoo that represented the "Peace by Piece" theme, that physically ended yesterday once the tattoo was finished, really represented this whole weekend.

I thought how that was so cool - how the energies of the world - were truly conspiring together to make it a reality - and now how I've once again found some uplifting spiritual roots from The Alchemist.

I thought of how it all makes sense, how I've been complacent in many matter, and how that's gotta change.

Peace. By. Piece.

- blee z.

stomach problems

day one had the stench
of fresh, organic
peaches -
sitting in the heat.
the aching discomfort
sucked.

day two may still have had remnants
of the peaches.
maybe the mints that soothed my mouth
cast battles against
the sanctity of
the easy-feasy daily stat. quo.

day three and four
still had inklings of the nasty feelings -
maybe more peaches. maybe a few day old beans.

but day five had a different ill will.
the empty stomach and
and the triple dosage of caffeine
and parmesan cheese contributed for the physical.
but the sad songs, the yearning for connection,
the hope of the "finally, this time"
with you,
with you again
leaves my stomach the most disturbed,
the most discontent -
from you again,
for the same reasons, again.
I'm sick.
I feel sick.

You.
make me sick.
sleep deprived, worst way to end a good day,
can't fall into slumber
due to disappointment.
avoidance of the next day
when i have to deal with you -
and your mixed messages -
and my illogical decoding -
for a full day.
and another.

accepting hope
meant the barriers were weakened.
this week i saw your eyes.
me weak saw your eyes.
i saw your happiness.
i saw you tender vulnerability.
i emerged. i emerged from my shell.
the cheesey, stupid, disgustingly
sentimental
and foolishly hopeful,
charmingly cavalier me
said hello to the world
because i thought you were ready to say
hello back.
finally.

but not.
not. again.

and now i'm sick.
over you.
because of you,
because i can't get over.
you.

i make myself.
sick.

let's try this.. get it out.. force it out.. like literary fiber.. or maybe a lack of.. anyway... gross.

*** floating ***

I.
listlessly aimless
drifting in the dreaded
darkness,
the purgatory for the
once hopeful,
for the once unrestrained
pursuit of happiness,
for the once believed
happy ever after
to this common story.

said in jest, the ideal of contentment,
maintain sincerity.
it's difficult to believe
in rays of hope
when the sun shines brightest
on all planets but yours.
or at least, it seems that way
from the audience's side
of life's cinema.

but when asked to confront
the realities of a spirit without its compliment,
without its guidance,
without its motivation
to be something to someone for eternity,
this beat,
this heart,
this man
is substantially
incomplete -
a crossword puzzle
with no clue
or space to fill.

this man,
like the words of the puzzle
eager to make its home
on the paper,
is floating -
listlessly aimless,
drifting on a sea of
dark-directionless-dread.
when once, this man
flowed like his verses,
is now -
incoherent fragments,
so much so that poems speak to him less
than elusive romances do.

II.
but there is one poem. this one.
this current amalgamation of lost thoughts
of being lost in world gone undetectable
by a monochromatic soul.

the dark shades hiding my iris fear
the sight.

she smiles.

dark brown illuminates the eyes,
the dull, dreary gaze diminished
with the polish of her pleasantness,
the zeal of her encouragement
bring shine back allowing clearer vision.

she smiles.

the frozen gray and purple lips,
thaw and feel warm -
and come alive achieving their natural
mixture of brown skin tone and human flesh -
like moth
eagerly wanting to land
on the fiery life force of the thriving flush
of her
living lips.

she smiles.

the dry, arid contours of his cheeks
like the Badlands,
so thirsty for nourishment,
get fed.
moisture replenishes like her lips
were the first rain filling thirsty marshlands
welcoming back the season of life.

she smiles.

melting the hardened clay of a mask
worn on escapades unfinished
and journeys never launched,
the glimmer of possibility,
of an opportune glance returned,
of a deep breath taken and held
hoping that it was aimed at his spirit,
reflects on his newly freed face.
he floats.

he smiles.

- r4 09.16.08

I got into work at 10:15. Left the office at 9:45ish. I was there in the office by myself since 8:30ish. You'd think I'm about to complain. But, I'm not. Today was one of the best I've had in a while.

Not sure, why.

Maybe. Maybe because I spent a good portion of my afternoon working on the staff bios that we decided to make for our Youths' binders. They're a mix of silly and deep and nostalgic questions. And since most of our crew is in high school, we decided to use our pics from high school! So, with that, I spent some more time flipping through my albums from high school times.

Maybe. Maybe because one of our graduated youth came by because we're contracting him to 15 hours of work the week before he moves up to Davis for school. We spent most of our meeting this afternoon talking Davis, talking bike cops, talking cautionary tales, talking the evil textbook corporate complex, talking Navin's, talking college life.. I even told him about the Best Summer Ever and laser tag. My BRIDGE roots came alive. Plus, he's one of the youth I was closest with due to all the stuff we had to work on together. It felt good.

Maybe. Maybe because I actually was in a groove of work ALL day and I replaced my complacency about somethings with a good butt-kicking yesterday as I wrote out all of the things I'm working on and was excitedly overwhelmed. Talking it out with my supervisor got more ideas flowing and the immense amount of work that we have to do came to the forefront, but there's more gear churning than there is anxiety.

Maybe. Maybe because I mixed a lot of my work with Publisher and that means I was drawing and having fun. In the spirit of nostalgia, I even used my "REPRESENT" staple font: "Footlight MT". Oh, and again for the bios, my supervisor mentioned that her clothing style was derived from Clare Danes' "My So-Called Life" character. So, I replaced her prom date's picture with Jared Leto's head. And the it wasn't half bad, the augmenting.

Not sure what it was today, but I had a great day.

"A Random Poem"

a random poem
I.
this is a random poem
about a random connection
and a random addiction
to the potential for life.

II.
this isn't a love poem,
it's a life poem,
a friend poem,
an "i just want things to be right" poem.
aiight?

No hidden meanings,
Straight no chaser,
Just a wink and a smile,
And an “I’ll see you later”
Cuz we will,
I’m tired of being a hater.

III.
This is a poem
Of random days
And random moments
Captured in the words of your friends –
Amidst the world on your end
Because I never see it.
I just imagine it.

I see the world through your eyes
Through your messages
And through the long-lost soul I knew
Once before.
She’s still the same,
I hope it.
Still growing.
I know it.
A completely new born
Person,
With the foundation
Of defensible caution
And the sincerest of hearts.

She is right, you know.
She is.

IV.
I smile in innocence
Because love is different –
Not caught up in a teenage love
[don’t, don’t hurt me again. Won’t.]
But because I understand love better
As it evades me in one sense,
But captures me,
Immerses me on another.
This isn’t about the cheap, self-serving love
That is offered as bait
For attention, for affection, for intimacy.

This is a non-reciprocal love,
a love with no agenda,
a love with no intentions
or aspirations for
romantic inclinations.
This is
An unconditional love.
An sincerely innocent –
No strings attached –
Blah blah blah clichéd
But no so cliché-ish love.

This isn’t the love of romantic comedies
Or Shakespearean tragedies.
This isn’t the love of slow songs
And slow dances.

This is the love – the dedication – the fulfillment of hope.
This is love from the soul
Not the heart
Or the brain
Or the hip
Or the lip.

This is the love of remorse
And resolution,
The love of loose ends tied
And forward movements.

This is love of the present
Of the current,
Like electricity – a legendary magical essence
Transformed into potential energy.
This isn’t about romance, but friendship.
True friendship that doesn’t involve
Everyday phone calls
Or any physical sign of existence.

This is love unspoken but felt,
That from a distance
I can be content that a person I believed in
Has proved me to be ingenious.
A prophet imagining great character –
Remembered by the random greatness she continues to become.

IV.
This isn’t the love that evokes sweet marriages.
This is a love of existential honesty.

This is an under appreciated love –
The love that is felt and seen
Through a random, anonymous smile
Of elated celebration.

- bleazey 12/17/03

JOHN of 9/9/08 says: "I miss my friend. =("